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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.