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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......