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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.