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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
How long does it take to get obsessed?