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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.