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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.