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It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?