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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
is "insert clever remark here."
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!