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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Save time. See it my way.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.