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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?