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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I was born at a very early age.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....