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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day