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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.