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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.