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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Velcro, what a rip-off!
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!