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Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.