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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be