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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist