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I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.