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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.