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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?