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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone