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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...