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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?