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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Walmart needs observation decks.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...