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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.