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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.