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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.