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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops