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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.