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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.