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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”