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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
My cardio is shopping.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...