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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.