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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.