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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.