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Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.