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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".