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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.