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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!