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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.