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For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.