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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.