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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.