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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2