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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Your personality needs alcohol.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?