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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.