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Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.