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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....