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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.