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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative