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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I should come with a warning label.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?