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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
We get it poets: things are like other things
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?