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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
What if the weather talks about us?
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!