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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.