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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.