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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?