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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone