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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"