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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.