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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.