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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.