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So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...