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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"