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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.