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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.