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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.