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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
How`d this get posted?