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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Being normal is boring.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words