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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.