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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
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There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.