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Will be drunk until further notice.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong