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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape