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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.