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How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.