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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.