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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...